Experience means expertise, right? LOL.
I love this line. An old friend used to say it all the time as a way of making fun of himself for being horrible at relationships.
Personally, I had to have a practice wife — or I should say — a practice marriage.
Bless her heart.
She got the worst of me. I wasn’t the best husband in the world — and for good reason.
I didn’t know how!
There weren’t any how-to classes in high school. My mentors hung out in nightclubs, the breeding ground for relationships — well — maybe just hookups. Obviously, though, they’re not the ideal place to learn best practices of relationships.
Beyond that, there were no healthy relationships anywhere in my life to emulate and learn from.
My parents’ marriage?
Well…
It lasted until their death — but probably shouldn’t have. It wasn’t a good example — AT ALL. They did their best with what they had but, they too, didn’t have a good example of a healthy relationship to learn from and copy.
Many of us (probably most of us) don’t have good examples of healthy relationships to emulate, which is one reason the divorce rate is so high.
I love you. You’re perfect. Now change.
This was the title of a play that was popular twenty or so years ago. I love it because it sums up the essence of a typical relationship pretty well.
We meet.
Fall madly in love.
Think they’re perfect in every way and thank the heavens above for bringing this angel into our life.
And then…
suddenly,
we realize that they need to change.
Like… a lot!!
They’re no longer perfect in every way.
“This bugs us.” “That bugs us.” “Why do they always have to say that or want me to do such and such?” “I hate it when they squeeze the toothpaste wrong.”
Whatever it is — “they” need to change!
We’d have a great relationship if it weren’t for you.
Which brings me to one of my favorite book titles. It always makes me laugh!
I often share this book title with friends when times are, let's say, "challenging" with their spouse. Because we all know everything would be fine if "they" would just do what "we" think they should say or do. Right? By the way, it’s a great book!
It’s always the other person’s fault. Never us, as we often think.
What I’ve learned is that there are a few key areas that should align for a happy and healthy relationship, at least, for me.
Compatability — self-awareness — and communication.
Compatibility and self-awareness.
My first wife and I fell madly in love, yet as time went on, realized that we weren’t even compatible. Like, miles apart not compatible. As kids, we never would have played in the same sandbox.
I discovered that I didn’t know what “love” was.
After concluding that my ex and I were not compatible, and going through one of the most painful times in my entire life — and confusing times, I began to ask the questions, “What is love?” “What is ‘IN love?’” I realized that I had NO CLUE.
I mean… I thought I knew — and thought I had experienced it.
BUT — evidently not. So I was left asking, “What in the world was it that I experienced when we first started dating and, so-called, ‘fell in love?’” It felt real. So real that I thought I’d met my soul mate!
One of the areas my ex and I were compatible and complementary was “achieving” and “accomplishing” together, such as buying a house, acquiring things, parenting, and planning. We jelled and connected authentically, and it felt good. There was a special kind of congruity, I guess you could say.
One day during the final stages of our divorce process, we were taking a walk talking about next steps, and finalizing things. It was a pleasant moment for us as we strolled.
As we walked and talked, I was having one of those “moments.” We jelled and felt connected. Something special was going on.
I then had a feeling of “Oh God, I love you!” My heart felt full. It felt like the feelings I had had all those times before. Feelings of love and in love.
Wait! I thought to myself; I paused mentally.
I thought, I know for a fact that I’m not in love with her, nor do I want to be in any kind of intimate or marriage type of relationship with her.
I’m certain!
After a year of counseling and deep dives into my soul and emotional being, I had NO DOUBT about the situation. We should not be married. I cared about her as a person, the mother of my son, and a friend — but it was conclusive for me.
Yet, I just had that old feeling of, “Oh God, I love you!”
What in the hell is that? I wondered.
I later concluded that it was love. Not “romantic love” or “in love.” But love in the truest sense.
An Epiphany: Misinterpretation of Love.
We were having a moment of “connection” at the emotional and spiritual level — love at its core. At least to the level I was capable of at the time.
All those previous years, I had misinterpreted what “love” and “in love” was — or “is.”
I had mistaken the feeling I was having at that moment in time as “romantic love” and “in love.” And my previous question “What is love?” was answered, at least, in part.
Then months later,
I went on my first date after the divorce. I barely knew the lady.
As we were making out, yes… making out. But that’s all we were doing. I began having those thoughts and feelings of “Oh God, I love you!”
I halted and shouted internally! WAIT! I thought, I barely know this lady; how in the hell could I love her like that?!
By this time, I knew not to trust those thoughts and feelings. I wasn’t sure what to trust — but I knew not to trust those particular feelings.
Over the past year, I learned that when we’re in the middle of getting intimate, a lot is happening within our bodies. Like… A LOT! Hormones are igniting into fireworks and spawning a whole smorgasbord of emotions. Uncontrollable emotions!
If you’re alive and have ever gotten “hot and heavy,” you know what I’m talking about.
These “chemical reactions” or for some of us, “nuclear reactions,” are hormones and neurotransmitters bursting and mushrooming to the point of blinding us to reality. Similar to putting orange-colored sunglasses on when it’s cloudy. Everything appears brighter, warmer, and full of color versus gloomy.
Essentially — we get hopped up on dopamine, hormones, and feelings of “Wholeness,” which veils reality and creates these amazing feelings of love. Our minds and bodies say, “This must be love!”
But…in reality, it’s only illusions of love. Hormones and neurotransmitters interacting creating a veil of illusions.
"These subliminal aspects of everything that happens to us may seem to play a very little part in our daily lives. But they are the invisible roots of our conscious thoughts."
Carl Jung
Science has learned that drugs and alcohol activate certain neurotransmitters causing chemical reactions in our bodies and minds, leaving us feeling anywhere from — really good — to euphoria.
Feelings of love activate some of these same neurotransmitters. Add hormones on top of that and we have the Huey Lewis song, “I Want a New Drug,” meaning, “Love is a Drug.”
Yes, love can be a drug. For some people, perhaps a very small population, love IS a drug — and love addiction is a real thing. I’ve witnessed the power of it — and I was blown away! Many years ago, I watched a friend go through withdrawal from it. She was a nervous wreck and shaking, just like withdrawing from a drug. I wouldn’t have believed it if I had not seen it for myself.
These chemical reactions igniting can make us feel “high on love.”
Have you ever felt “high on love?” I have. It’s absolute BLISS and EUPHORIA.
The point of bringing this up is to illustrate the power of our own body, its chemical makeup and interactions — leading to skewed perceptions.
I want to be clear.
It doesn’t mean love at first site is not real — or that people can’t fall in love in days, weeks, or months. No. Not at all. But it does mean there’s a lot of activity within the body and mind during these blissful moments — which explains how so many of us can fall madly in love in the first month thinking “This is the one,” only to realize months later after the magical pixy dust settles, that NOPE — it’s not the one.
Summary.
When I began writing this post, I had a clear direction. But as thoughts were unfolding onto the page, memories began bubbling up of how delusional I was when it came to “love,” and how I had to go through a process of questioning my perceptions and then letting go of “OLD IDEAS” in order to embrace a new understanding. A more realistic understanding.
My takeaways from these experiences are — BE AWARE. Have some awareness, self-awareness and understanding of what’s transpiring with our bodies and minds at the biological level. Recognize that we are complex entities which means things “may not” be as they appear. I wanted to fall in love so badly that I became blinded by the illusions of love. Having the awareness mentioned above allowed me to avoid a big mess or messes. A lot of drama and pain.
You need to know that I had all of those same feelings of bliss and ecstasy in the early days of dating the woman I ended up marrying. The difference: I didn’t rush out and propose to her 3 months later. I took it step by step to get to know her, and left room to test the waters as I progressed (we progressed).
I had the awareness and understanding that the “LOVE CHEMICALS” will ignite and mushroom to moments of pure BLISS! I didn’t fight them. I simply allowed them to RISE - AND - DISSIPATE, knowing that the magical “love dust” would settle. The honeymoon period will end. Unquestionably.
I have been married for 14 years, and it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done. No, it IS the best thing I’ve ever done, excluding having my son. We are compatible in so many ways. We have a sufficient level of self-awareness which allows us to communicate without blame or attacking, to know what is “my issue” and “not my issue. We stay on our respective sides of the street and don’t get into the other’s business unless asked. I can go on and on.
There’s so much more we can discuss relating to compatibility, self-awareness and communication in relationships. I had hoped to write more about it here.
But… I’m out of space, so to speak. Maybe next time.
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Gives me a lot to think about. All the best in your marriage. It sounds wonderful and that you are so compatible! And truly in Love.