Suicide

Coming out of the shadows.

Illustrations by Joey Guidone, first published in the magazine Medicinsk Vetenskap No 3/2020.

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On average, there are 50,000 Americans who take their own life every year.

To put that number in perspective, 50,000 people is how many you see in this sold-out football stadium.

Yep… that’s how many Americans die every year by suicide.

That’s a lot of people — a lot of pain — and a whole lot of hopelessness.

Now… the stadium below holds a little over 100,000 people. Take a look, and then multiply that by seven. That’s how many people die by suicide worldwide every year.

700,000 moms, dads, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, sons, daughters, cousins, friends, and uncles — you get the idea, that die by suicide every year.

I’ve often heard it said, “Suicide is the most selfish act anyone can do.” Think about that for a second. Then, think about the pain, despair and hopelessness a person must feel to do such an act.

It’s not an easy act by any means.

They simply want the pain to stop — the noise in their head to cease.

It has nothing to do with selfishness. They. Just. Can’t. Take. The. Pain. Any. Longer.

And it feels like the ONLY option.

I believe when individuals are in that deep dark place — that place of hopelessness, they cross over an invisible line, of sorts, into another zone or world. It’s as if they begin to function from that zone. They’re, in a way, outside of their body — in a world where they’re no longer in complete control. Their long-time fantasies of stopping the pain go into an automatic mode. It’s at that moment, the act happens.

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Suicide is one of the leading causes of death. Higher than heart disease, homicides, and COVID-related deaths. It’s the 4th leading cause of death among the ages of 15-29.

Suicide is not prejudice. It doesn’t care if you're rich and famous or poor and homeless. It doesn’t care if your parents love you or if you’re a football all-star on the high school team. Nor does it care if you’re a CEO of a Fortune 500 company or a rock star with multiple platinum records. It affects ALL people regardless of race, nationality, financial status, gender or age.

An interesting note, however, is that there seems to be an uptick in younger people taking their own lives, especially teens. Since 2010, rates for teens have been increasing. Research indicates that social media may be playing a role.

On the broader scope, since the year 2000, overall suicide rates have increased by 36%.

Back to the picture of the football stadium that holds 100,000. Look at that, then add 36,000 people — you have a 36% increase.

What trips me out is that in 2021 alone, there were 598 kids between the ages of 10 - 14 who took their own life. Let me emphasize that age range. Ten-year-olds and eleven-year-olds! OMG! All who were in so much pain that they felt there was no other option.

These are kids who grew up in middle-class homes with parents who love them dearly and work hard to do what’s right for them. I’m sure there are countless variables and situations, but in general, they’re your average kid.

Another mind-bender is the 15-24 age group where the totals are 6,528. See the cause of death breakdown by age below.

Leading cause of deaths by age group.

Now… looking at the military — in 2021, research found that 30,177 active duty personnel and veterans who served in the military after 9/11 died by suicide. That’s compared to 7,057 service members who were killed in combat in those same 20 years.

Can you believe it? That’s 4X more of our soldiers who died by suicide than from war. Think of the wives, the husbands, the kids and the mothers.

As they all feared war might take their loved one, it turned out that the odds of dying by suicide were actually greater than by war or battle.

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As you can imagine, tracking suicide is tricky. Take overdoses as an example. How many intentional overdoses do you think there are per year that get filed as a drug overdose, rather than suicide? Sure, most drug users’ overdoses are probably accidental, however, a lot are also intentional, especially since it’s an easier, less painful, and less graphic method. With that in mind, I think it’s safe to assume the suicide rates and totals are higher than listed, perhaps, much higher.

Shifting our focus a little… think about all of the people who attempted but failed. Or, changed their mind at the last minute. The numbers of people suffering go up. The amount of individuals feeling overwhelmed with pain and hopelessness rise.

It’s reported that in an average year, 13 million people think about taking their own life.

We can all agree these are devastating numbers. How is it that so many people of all ages and nationalities are in so much pain? Suicide has probably been around since man first experienced an emotion. But it seems the rates over the centuries have increased.

So, what’s the why? Why in the world are so many people at such a point emotionally and spiritually that they feel their only option is to end it all?

The loved ones left behind.

Before we delve into that, let’s shift our focus to the loved ones left behind for a moment.

Think about how devastating it must be for a mother to lose her son or daughter to suicide. Imagine what she thought and felt the moment she got the news — the moment after she opened the door the policeman just knocked on.

Imagine her fist thought — her first emotion. How her mind probably rejected reality. “No,” she’d say.” “That’s not true. He would never do that. It can’t be true!” “No, no, NOOOO!” “My baby! OH MY GOD,” she says as her body loses all strength and falls to the floor weeping uncontrollably.

She hurts. Not just emotionally but physically as well! Her gut tightens, aches and she feels nauseous. Her heart is pounding like never before. It feels heavy and physically hurts. It’s so overbearing for her. She feels sick, weak, and like she’s in an altered state — like, an out-of-body experience. Her normal senses like vision, sound and touch are erratic.

She thinks, How can that be? And screams “Why? Why? Why? Oh God — why?!!

Then… think about how it must be for a father to lose a son or a daughter. A brother to lose a brother or sister. Then, a child to lose their mom or dad. If they’re young - their mommy or daddy.

Put yourself in their place for a moment and imagine what and how they must have felt in the moment of receiving the news — and then the many moments after…

Then think back to the picture of the stadium with 100,000 people in it. Multiply that by seven… then multiply that by however many loved ones each individual might have left behind. How many siblings, parents, kids, friends, etc. were left grieving. Feeling the loss. The pain. The sorrow.

It’s unimaginable to me. So many people. So much pain and sadness.

I’m one of those left behind.

I had two brothers die by suicide. My oldest brother, Neil, who was 8 years older than me hung himself in 1979 when I was 19.

Growing up, I cherished the ground he walked on. He was my idle: I tried to walk like him, talk like him and dress like him.

Then in the year 2000, my other brother, Ricky, 4 years my senior, blew himself up, presumably with one of his grenades. He was 40 years old and a gun and ammunition collector.

Days later, after the police and funeral home did their thing, me and his adult son (there was no stopping him) went through the house, where we saw remains of small body parts (very small) scattered throughout and lodged in the walls, furniture and ceiling. It was horrific.

A side note on the first brother in 1979, believe it or not, the picture of him hanging covered in a bag was actually published in the local small-town newspaper he resided in. I’m sure they regretted it later, and I don’t have any resentments or hard feelings today. However, at the time I was upset, but that was mostly my shame. My embarrassment. I mean, What would people think? was what I was feeling. At least, that’s all that my mind could process at the time.

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Mental Health Awareness Month.

As we’re in Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought it important to write this.

Suicide has been stigmatized in most societies, and there can be a sense of shame or embarrassment associated with it. Families fear judgment or condemnation from others. Also, we, as a society, tend to not talk about it. We try to push it into a dark corner and pretend it never happens.

For me, I felt very embarrassed and ashamed about it, especially after my second brother died. I rarely talked about it. I feared it was a reflection of me, that others would think less of me, think I was a loser, or crazy, etc.

I stayed pretty tight-lipped, only sharing it with a small group of close friends. But even then, I still felt embarrassed and ashamed.

Then about ten years ago, a friend lost her brother to suicide. She was a C-level executive, who was completely open about her situation, meaning everyone at work knew the circumstances. She got involved in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Walk-a-Thon campaign and encouraged me to join the crusade.

It was by watching her, and following her lead, that I was able to come out of the shadows. I too, got involved, and as a way to raise money posted openly on social media. The more open I became, the less shame I felt — and the more I saw how many families had been impacted by suicide.

Thankfully, suicide has been slowly parading out of the dark corners and shadows of society into the open. More and more people from all walks of life, status, and visibility are coming out and speaking openly. As one person does it, it also gives another permission and courage to do it. My friend gave me the courage. She led by example. While it’s still a bit embarrassing, I’m OK with telling my story.

I’ve been witness to a few brave ladies on LinkedIn who have been crusading discussions regarding the loss of their young sons and husbands to suicide. They too, give me courage. One is a psychologist from the UK, and the other two are former corporate executives. They show that I’m not alone. That it’s not about me or a reflection of me. It simply happened — and there’s sorrow because of it.

There are several aspects to this topic: depression and suicide itself. The loved ones left behind. Then, the acknowledgment and open discussions.

The first two have been covered sufficiently for now.

In many cases, friends of those affected don’t know how to respond or deal with it. In other words, they may be afraid to bring the topic up — or they try to shut the conversation down because it might upset or make their friend feel worse or more sad — or depressed. So we never bring it up and try to avoid discussions at all cost. Well-meaning - but not necessarily helpful or healthy.

What should you do, you ask? Talk about it. Tell your friend that you have no idea how to be helpful and be a good friend regarding this. Encourage a discussion. Have them tell you how best to support them, such as, “I’m afraid to bring the topic of suicide up because it might make you feel sad, and I don’t want to make you feel sad. Please guide me on how best to support or communicate with you. Another example is if a famous person commits suicide, I don’t want to bring it up to you because it might remind you of your son, husband or wife.”

In closing, let’s continue these discussions. They’ve been in the shadows for far too long. The more open we are and the more we talk about it, the more we don’t feel alone or isolated.

Depression is a monster. I should know. I too, have struggled with it. I know what it’s like to slip into the deep dark world of despair and hopelessness. It is, in fact, like being in a deep dark hole. You don’t just feel depressed. It’s much, much more.

A psychologist did a study on why AA and other 12-step programs have been so successful for so many years. He discovered that it was due to the peer-to-peer help and support. It was the identification, the understanding of how it feels to be in that place emotionally, that made the programs so powerful and successful. Its format of sharing experience, past and present, strength, and hope with each other creates a magical world of connections of the heart — and soul. And when that happens, miracles happen. Peace happens… Love happens.

So the more open we are as a society, the better off we all are.

Earlier in this essay, I initiated the question, WHY?

I would love to see an open discussion on this blog regarding all aspects of this topic. Please feel free to join in. And if you would like to share this story with someone, PLEASE, send this link. This is the kind of stuff that can actually save lives or help a suffering soul in the depths of their grief for a loved one.

Questions to ponder and discuss:

1. Why do so many people feel so much despair and hopelessness that they feel their only option is to end their lives?

2. If you’re a loved one, how best can friends help and support you? What’s worked best? What does not help?

3. What more can society do to further the campaign of bringing this topic out of the shadows?

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